Identity and LoveĀ 

I just learnt a couple weeks ago what being a queer means. Then I kept asking and reading articles and I found this article very informative.

“Being a queer means searching for alternate ways of being and living. It means learning to appreciate and celebrate difference and striving for constructive, fair and happy ways to coexist with each other. Being queer means constantly looking for ways to be as inclusive as possible in order to create a world where everyone feels safe and accepted, in which there is true equality for every single person. “

Being a queer means searching for alternate ways of being or living… Then it hit me… I’m always searching, always looking for a better, free, open way of life without excluding anyone.  I’m married, I have 2 young kids… Is it possible I’m a queer?

My life is just full of changes, it is constantly changing and I love it. I want for my kids to grow up in and with nature, to be free, to think without barriers, to express their selves without inhibitions. 

I met a wonderful women a couple months ago, and I’m so dam attracted to her, to her soul. I don’t think about sex or anything but I wish I could have a life with her. A community, two women and 3 kids. She’s coming to spend 2 months with us (me, my husband and my kids) in Italy and I can’t wait to see her. I wish I could cuddle with her, hug her, kiss her, hold her hand and walk together down the street carrying our kids. I know this is so unconventional, you are probably asking yourself “what about your husband?” well I love him, we have a family together, we are just very different and we have a different way to look at the world. I fell always attracted to men and also women but never wanted to admit it to myself. I really feel attracted to kindness and it didn’t matter to me where this kindness came from. 

Now, I feel so fragile, so unsecure…like I can’t be myself when I’m next to her. I want to tell her: “I love you!, let’s have a life together” but I know that would be completely crazy and even though she’s a queer, I don’t think she likes me that way. So what’s now? Should I just live like I always do: putting my feelings on a side and just be friends? Should I just tell her what I feel and maybe have an awkward 2 months with her since she doesn’t feel the same way? Or should I just be her friend and let the universe do or not do whatever is our destiny? I definitely don’t want to loose her friendship.